i fucking hate it. no grace or elegance in my prose today but a scathing complaint because i have been a grumpy fucker lately

i wish it was easier. im on the waiting list so i can finally get medicated for everything going on with me mentally. making friends is fine and im fine but i feel like my soul is leaving me and i am utterly serious

it brings up the concept of being lonely versus feeling lonely. you can be a recluse somewhere hidden from people, and that's being lonely, but for someone out there that would be perfect, absolutely perfect. maybe to them it wouldn't feel so lonely either. but sometimes you hang out with people daily but feel so isolated. i feel like a piece of me is broken because nothing is ever enough, i keep making rash decisions and i am overindulgent and in general i dont feel like i have a ton of aim in life right now.

but then again i feel like life is good, i have my possessions and i have people that i love. i just wish the path to getting diagnosed with adhd was easier. doctors talk down to me like i think it is trendy to get a diagnosis or something. i just want to be well. interacting with people was something i got better at as i grew older, but it still drains me severely. i spend all day wondering what people really think about me. it makes me feel vain or something

how do you ask for help when everyone is a stranger? i am tired of relying on alcohol. i just want to be happy. what the fuck happened 3 years ago that made everything stagnate?

i've been enjoying my course though. lots of other people who r schizo about internet shit. some people are definitely awful with hygeine though.

also i've had no hot water for a week and im going irate. fucking irate.